Wazhat! Wahzat!


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Change

Change is inevitable.

It will happen. Sometimes it sneaks up on you and other times it rushes in on you and slaps you into awareness.

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Grieving here

I have been feeling that I should have a sign or a shirt that reads

“MY DADDY DIED! DiD you KNOW? MY DADDY DIED!”

I know in certain religions you wear white for a year orĀ  you cut off your hair to signify that you are in a period of mourning. I think I would have done well to be a part of such tradition.

It is strange that it circulates in my head sometimes roaring and hurting, most times quietly whispering it.

Punctutating everything that I do.

I keep feeling that I need more time. It interrupted my sleep for awhile.

It doesn’t help that I have been feeling that I have been mourning my father for a few years now.

I miss him.

I miss knowing that he is there.

Didn’t matter if he could hear me or speak back to me cause he was there

and I could go see him and touch him.

Can’t touch him anymore.

It is so hard to shake the image of him in that box.

Even though he looked at peace.

Even though I got to give a last tousle of his hair.

Death is so final. He is now ashes sitting in an urn waiting for someone to do something with it.

My Daddy is ashes.

I miss him.

and I say

“MY DADDY DIED! DiD you KNOW? MY DADDY DIED!”

 


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Call me nah

My birthday was four days ago on August 6.

I love birthdays I especially love my BIRTHDAY!

I love to get presents, balloons, long distant phone calls spewing off-key singing of Happy Birthday jingles, birthday cake, happy cocktails and friends around me to help drink them.

Sigh but I am a grown up now, I am still swallowing the fact that I am 47, and things change and I have to accept that so does the way I celebrate birthdays.

I got no phone calls! not one for my birthday

Not one!…. for my birthday!

I got alot of Facebook and instagram messages that were really nice and some really pretty and happy but they are not the same. I missed the days of plenty phone call from friends and family alike who picked up the phone and gave me a minute of their time. This year it became really clear that the people who really used to call were my mother and my father and my grandmother.

Well my mother doesn’t speak any more, neither does my dad and well Grannie has been with the Lord for four years now.

I only realised recently that I stopped having birthday cake for my birthday and it is because my grandmother stopped baking cake awhile ago. And a birthday didn’t feel like a birthday with a Grannie birthday Cake sigh

My sisters forgot to call as well šŸ˜¦ and well my brother forgot all together that is was my birthday.

So while my birthday was pleasant and all that and I made an effort to enjoy the minute of things I was also very saddened by it and clearly still am as I am putting my thoughts to word.

Next year I am having a party at least then I have a say over the fun cocktails and friends surrounding me to drink them LOL

Mission for this year … get some friends!

Sorely lacking in the friend department need some LOL but that is a story for another time.

(In all fairness I do have a few so I am not that badly off. )

 

 


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maybeThe homeschool message is not really why I posted this image. I have been toying with a similar thought as it pertains to our interactions with people specifically our parents as they are getting older.

I was lamenting as to why my father and mother have been having such a hard time with the aging process. Daddy is suffering thru diabetes which is causing kidney issues and of course bringing in dementia type issues … he can’t take care of himself.

And well Mummy has Dementia as wellĀ  she was diagnosed with Alzhemier’s Dementia but I believe it is actually Frontotemporal Dementia which is very interesting and hard. She can take care of herself but requires supervision and constant entertainment. She would argue that she doesn’t need supervision if her words would just communicate with what is going on in her head. Her words have been curtailed to just a few– Please. God Bless and No Please. I guess it could be worse.

So yes I was lamenting as to why they are both good God fearing church going heavily involved caring people why such a hard, stress-filled ending. Then it made me wonder could it be that it was not about them but about us and how we deal with the situation how as person step up to the plate and show them love. We being my sisters, her sisters, my husband and myself. Could it be that they are suffering so that we can work through this challenge and grow.

I have to admit that having my mother here with me for the last few months (4) has been challenging. It has opened up my eyes to a side of me that I didn’t know was there. It has raised things and feelings that I didn’t realise I had hidden.Ā  Not understanding someone is frustrating. Communication or lack of it really does make life challenging. I have always seen myself as patient, caring, sensitive and understanding. BUT I haven’t been I have been resistant, impatient, angry and in a constant state of annoyance that is upsetting for me to witness as I observe as a bystander.

I remember watching my sister and mother handle my uncle who had Parkinson Disease as if he was a 5 year old and I said that is not right. We must remember that even though they are old you have to show them the respect that their age requires. Yet here I am finding it ‘necessary’ to treat my 72 year old mother as if she was 7.

The ‘change’ or the revelation of this side of me has certainly made me search for calmness through prayer and meditation. I do hope that their challenge with old age would not be wasted and that I am able to acquire the change that is required of me.


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Desperate

Money is tight.. okay it is like almost nonexistent.

I have put it out there that I am seeking work. But nothing.

Honestly I have been feeling for quite awhile that the Universe is conspiring against me. All my graphic capable computers have died on me. (this one I am writing on is so slow it freezes with each Facebook click I do. Last year was all about Chik V pains and malais, then lets not forget the dog bite that had me incapacitatedĀ  for a few months.

Feeling desperate.

I know it will all fall in line in time but geez the wait is hard and I feel like I am failing because I can’t get this right. Well I am failing.

Yup feeling desperate.