I am believing .
I am believing .
Money is tight.. okay it is like almost nonexistent.
I have put it out there that I am seeking work. But nothing.
Honestly I have been feeling for quite awhile that the Universe is conspiring against me. All my graphic capable computers have died on me. (this one I am writing on is so slow it freezes with each Facebook click I do. Last year was all about Chik V pains and malais, then lets not forget the dog bite that had me incapacitated for a few months.
I know it will all fall in line in time but geez the wait is hard and I feel like I am failing because I can’t get this right. Well I am failing.
Yup feeling desperate.
I am learning more and more over time that I have a few flaws… okay quite a few flaws. And one of the chief flaws which lines up right there along with stubbornness and argumentativeness is I think pride.
Pride in this way-I find it so hard to ask for things. Specifically I find it hard to ask people to do things for me or to give me something or lend me something.
I get sick to my stomach when I think of it.
I have had to step out of myself more and more recently because I have needed to rely more on others than I normally would. Suffice it to say my head hurts alot these days.
But it is getting better.
You ever just feel that everybody is just grasping at straws
walking through the land with blindfolds on
and that no one really knows is back from front
or left from right
This is how i am feeling right now.
not knowing what is what and knowing that nobody else knows either.
What about you?
I really despise adulting.
For the record I really do not want to put my mother in a home!
I just want to put that out there.
But everyone, seeing that I am the eldest daughter, keeps looking at me to make a decision about her.
She went walk about today and I guess because she was being erractic and probably couldn’t verbalise where she lives somebody took her to the hospital who called my sister. She is understandably upset.
I wished I lived closer.
I wish I was rich
Maybe even wishing I had a steady well paying job.
I wish I could win the LOtto.
I despise this adulting thing.
Look at me!!…..
I have only just realised how many persons have an issue with maintaining eye contact when talking to someone.
Just dropping off my daughters to school and saying hello to a parent who I get along with and she just couldn’t maintain the eye contact. Her eyes kept dancing every which way but to my eyes. Having a child who has an issue with maintaining eye contact it has been been fascinating to see perfectly ‘normal’ people who clearly also struggle with it.
My father is actually one of them, I remember calling him on it once when a colleague of his came over so excited to see him and engage him in conversation and my father never once looked at him. Spoke to him but no eye contact at all. My Dad response was hey he was talking to him why did he need to look at the man LOL.
Makes you want to yell “Look me in the eye ALREADY!!”
But I know that is bad because I know now that maintaining eye contact can be overwhelming for some people more than others.
Plans and Goals
I went through an exercise recently where I outlined my goals and plans for 2016. THis is new for me I never do this as I don’t normally think I need the pressure to actually accomplish the goals but this year I felt I needed to see what I want to do and plan it out. I have so many things I want to do. Arhhhhhhh. That I am actually just not doing anything LOL. I am going to write more and draw and paint more but just need to start. And that is my achilles heel getting started. So this post is me actually just starting and not allowing myself to have the ideas but shelve it because procrastination, fear or being overwhelmed.
As I said I have lots I want to accomplish this year which means starting, carrying through and FINISHING!!! LOL wish me luck.
Everybody is getting old around here!!!
This week is birthday week for two of the kiddies my two oldest as a matter of fact.
My boy just turned 15!!!! Yes 15 when did the time go. AND here is the shocker he actually requested people over! He wanted his friends to watch a movie with him. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles of course. No he did care that it was old and what he watched last year LOL. I was blown away and hastily invited the two friends he asked for and he seemed to enjoy himself. Woot woot!
This Friday oh! that would be tomorrow the big daughter turns 13!!! Yikes my baby girl is going to be a teenager! She is also going to have friends over as well. Wow before I know it they would be going off to college and talking about marriage. Sorry couldn’t stop that wave of melodrama!
ooooOh I am happy to have taken the time to write this post. Yay!!
Hope everything is going great for you too! Have a great weekend.
(sorry if there are typos feeling lazy to edit :p)
My housekeeper of 11 years left me 2 months ago. ….
She left for a two very good reasons she was getting up there in age and her 90 year old blind mother was sick as well as the sister who took care of her. So she had to leave. It was the responsible thing to do. Sigh!
This left me however housekeeper less.
I have only ever been without a housekeeper when I was away in college. I thank my lucky stars that I have almost always lived in a place that it is expected that you would have help. A full time housekeeper, nanny, ironer, washer or once a month lady. All of my life there has been someone.
And I am not domestic. I do not like to clean, wash, hang out clothes, fold clothes, iron, mop cook or wash the dishes. I especially do not like to wash dishes. No matter how I try to put a positive spin on it I get no joy out of any of it. LOL
My sisters had a good giggle at my expense that first week of me trying to adapt to life without help coupled with water lock off ( we were going thru a drought) I was lamenting about how much I despised washing the dishes and my sisters were quick to remind me that I also hated washing and cleaning and the list went on.
Most girls fantasised about their wedding to Mr. Right and the dress etc not me my most vivid dream was getting a fabulously well paying career that would allow me to have a maid for each task. Cause I knew it just wasn’t for me.
But as I said it has been at least two month since she has left and I have not died and most importantly the children are all fed every day and the house has not fallen into disrepair. ANd my hair is still intact in my head. LOL
Because I have a need to always find that silver lining I have to say that by having to do it all I am more in tune with what is needed to have the house run smoothly. And I am getting into a rhythm when it comes to most things except maybe washing the dishes as I sit here happily typing away I am actively ignoring the dirty dishes that I refuse to acknowledge sitting in the sink.
I may never be fully domestic but I am feeling a bit proud of me that I have continued to step up to the challenge and push myself more each day.
And why you may be wondering have I not hired someone new. Well honestly it is because I am scared. Bringing in someone new means adjusting to this new person and praying extra hard that they are loyal and honest and do not steal and most importantly get along with and care for my children. And I know that God always and I mean always sends the right persons to deal with my children. I prefer to wait and see who he sends.
Until then I think I will continue to marvel at my ability to make some tasty 15 minute meals, fast ironing skills ( I am not the best ironer at all) not to shabby mopping skills.