Wazhat! Wahzat!


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maybeThe homeschool message is not really why I posted this image. I have been toying with a similar thought as it pertains to our interactions with people specifically our parents as they are getting older.

I was lamenting as to why my father and mother have been having such a hard time with the aging process. Daddy is suffering thru diabetes which is causing kidney issues and of course bringing in dementia type issues … he can’t take care of himself.

And well Mummy has Dementia as well  she was diagnosed with Alzhemier’s Dementia but I believe it is actually Frontotemporal Dementia which is very interesting and hard. She can take care of herself but requires supervision and constant entertainment. She would argue that she doesn’t need supervision if her words would just communicate with what is going on in her head. Her words have been curtailed to just a few– Please. God Bless and No Please. I guess it could be worse.

So yes I was lamenting as to why they are both good God fearing church going heavily involved caring people why such a hard, stress-filled ending. Then it made me wonder could it be that it was not about them but about us and how we deal with the situation how as person step up to the plate and show them love. We being my sisters, her sisters, my husband and myself. Could it be that they are suffering so that we can work through this challenge and grow.

I have to admit that having my mother here with me for the last few months (4) has been challenging. It has opened up my eyes to a side of me that I didn’t know was there. It has raised things and feelings that I didn’t realise I had hidden.  Not understanding someone is frustrating. Communication or lack of it really does make life challenging. I have always seen myself as patient, caring, sensitive and understanding. BUT I haven’t been I have been resistant, impatient, angry and in a constant state of annoyance that is upsetting for me to witness as I observe as a bystander.

I remember watching my sister and mother handle my uncle who had Parkinson Disease as if he was a 5 year old and I said that is not right. We must remember that even though they are old you have to show them the respect that their age requires. Yet here I am finding it ‘necessary’ to treat my 72 year old mother as if she was 7.

The ‘change’ or the revelation of this side of me has certainly made me search for calmness through prayer and meditation. I do hope that their challenge with old age would not be wasted and that I am able to acquire the change that is required of me.


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Desperate

Money is tight.. okay it is like almost nonexistent.

I have put it out there that I am seeking work. But nothing.

Honestly I have been feeling for quite awhile that the Universe is conspiring against me. All my graphic capable computers have died on me. (this one I am writing on is so slow it freezes with each Facebook click I do. Last year was all about Chik V pains and malais, then lets not forget the dog bite that had me incapacitated  for a few months.

Feeling desperate.

I know it will all fall in line in time but geez the wait is hard and I feel like I am failing because I can’t get this right. Well I am failing.

Yup feeling desperate.

 

 


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flaws

I am learning more and more over time that I have a few flaws… okay quite a few flaws. And one of the chief flaws which lines up right there along with stubbornness and argumentativeness is I think pride.

Pride in this way-I find it so hard to ask for things. Specifically I find it hard to ask people to do things for me or to give me something or lend me something.

I get sick to my stomach when I think of it.

I have had to step out of myself  more and more recently because I have needed to rely more on others than I normally would. Suffice it to say my head hurts alot these days.

But it is getting better.

Sigh.


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current mood

You ever just feel that everybody is just grasping at straws

walking through the  land with blindfolds on

and that no one really knows is back from front

or left from right

This is how i am feeling right now.

not knowing what is what and knowing that nobody else knows either.

What about you?

 

 


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Me no want adult no more

I really despise adulting.

For the record I really do not want to put my mother in a home!

I just want to put that out there.

But everyone, seeing that I am the eldest daughter, keeps looking at me to make a decision about her.

She went walk about today and I guess because she was being erractic and probably couldn’t verbalise where she lives somebody took her to the hospital who called my sister. She is understandably upset.

Sigh.

I wished I lived closer.

I wish I was rich

Maybe even wishing I had a steady well paying job.

I wish I could win the LOtto.

Sigh

I despise this adulting thing.