Wazhat! Wahzat!

On death

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my father in law died.

4 weeks ago I went to his room to give him coffee

and he was dead.

I had never seen some one in that state.

Going cold yet still a tinge of warmth remaining.

Oh …. death is so final.

It was so unexpected to me, I was unprepared

i felt as if I was hit by a canon ball to the chest.

I was, I am so shocked by the tumble of emotions that invaded by brain mostly those of regret and remorse.

I don’t remember what I said to him the night before he passed I just remember being so annoyed with him because of his fan.

And it makes me so sad.

I really thought that there was more time.

But time was up

and now even though I don’t show it it feels as if my heart is crying.

A cloud of grey seems to have encased my entire being. I am filled with gloom.

I think the most surprising thing of all to me is how much his not being here has impacted me.

I honestly didn’t expect it to hurt so much.

and I never realized how much of my brain space and daily routine he took up.

I keep making meals for him or shopping for him in mind.

I almost feel like if I am losing my mind.

 

All those things that people say to people in an attempt to console the living such as- They are in a better place; It was his time; He had a full life so it is good. While can be comforting a little Really really doesn’t make it any better or easier for you the living. It does help the person saying it though ( I have learned)

Every single person grieves differently, reacts to death differently and manages it differently.

Yes it sounds like I said the same thing 3 different ways but it is different.

I have woken up every day since and thought ‘Yup, he is still dead.’ and I feel tears.

Instead of the grief and pain numbing or going away it feels for me that it is growing like a snowball would if it is rolling down a hill. Slow, slow and then very fast getting bigger and bigger.

 

I got solace from this:

grief

Death is just so final.

 

 

 

 

 

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Author: kidfriendlyja

Exploring all activities Jamaican that our children would enjoy!

One thought on “On death

  1. Yes, it is hard. I pray the pain becomes a dull one and you are able to revel in the good memories.

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