Wazhat! Wahzat!


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Call me nah

My birthday was four days ago on August 6.

I love birthdays I especially love my BIRTHDAY!

I love to get presents, balloons, long distant phone calls spewing off-key singing of Happy Birthday jingles, birthday cake, happy cocktails and friends around me to help drink them.

Sigh but I am a grown up now, I am still swallowing the fact that I am 47, and things change and I have to accept that so does the way I celebrate birthdays.

I got no phone calls! not one for my birthday

Not one!…. for my birthday!

I got alot of Facebook and instagram messages that were really nice and some really pretty and happy but they are not the same. I missed the days of plenty phone call from friends and family alike who picked up the phone and gave me a minute of their time. This year it became really clear that the people who really used to call were my mother and my father and my grandmother.

Well my mother doesn’t speak any more, neither does my dad and well Grannie has been with the Lord for four years now.

I only realised recently that I stopped having birthday cake for my birthday and it is because my grandmother stopped baking cake awhile ago. And a birthday didn’t feel like a birthday with a Grannie birthday Cake sigh

My sisters forgot to call as well 😦 and well my brother forgot all together that is was my birthday.

So while my birthday was pleasant and all that and I made an effort to enjoy the minute of things I was also very saddened by it and clearly still am as I am putting my thoughts to word.

Next year I am having a party at least then I have a say over the fun cocktails and friends surrounding me to drink them LOL

Mission for this year … get some friends!

Sorely lacking in the friend department need some LOL but that is a story for another time.

(In all fairness I do have a few so I am not that badly off. )

 

 

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maybeThe homeschool message is not really why I posted this image. I have been toying with a similar thought as it pertains to our interactions with people specifically our parents as they are getting older.

I was lamenting as to why my father and mother have been having such a hard time with the aging process. Daddy is suffering thru diabetes which is causing kidney issues and of course bringing in dementia type issues … he can’t take care of himself.

And well Mummy has Dementia as well  she was diagnosed with Alzhemier’s Dementia but I believe it is actually Frontotemporal Dementia which is very interesting and hard. She can take care of herself but requires supervision and constant entertainment. She would argue that she doesn’t need supervision if her words would just communicate with what is going on in her head. Her words have been curtailed to just a few– Please. God Bless and No Please. I guess it could be worse.

So yes I was lamenting as to why they are both good God fearing church going heavily involved caring people why such a hard, stress-filled ending. Then it made me wonder could it be that it was not about them but about us and how we deal with the situation how as person step up to the plate and show them love. We being my sisters, her sisters, my husband and myself. Could it be that they are suffering so that we can work through this challenge and grow.

I have to admit that having my mother here with me for the last few months (4) has been challenging. It has opened up my eyes to a side of me that I didn’t know was there. It has raised things and feelings that I didn’t realise I had hidden.  Not understanding someone is frustrating. Communication or lack of it really does make life challenging. I have always seen myself as patient, caring, sensitive and understanding. BUT I haven’t been I have been resistant, impatient, angry and in a constant state of annoyance that is upsetting for me to witness as I observe as a bystander.

I remember watching my sister and mother handle my uncle who had Parkinson Disease as if he was a 5 year old and I said that is not right. We must remember that even though they are old you have to show them the respect that their age requires. Yet here I am finding it ‘necessary’ to treat my 72 year old mother as if she was 7.

The ‘change’ or the revelation of this side of me has certainly made me search for calmness through prayer and meditation. I do hope that their challenge with old age would not be wasted and that I am able to acquire the change that is required of me.


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A little bit of this a little bit of that

Look at me!!…..

I have only just realised how many persons have an issue with maintaining eye contact when talking to someone.

Just dropping off my daughters to school and saying hello to a parent who I get along with and she just couldn’t maintain the eye contact. Her eyes kept dancing every which way but to my eyes.  Having a child who has an issue with maintaining eye contact it has been been fascinating to see perfectly ‘normal’ people who clearly also struggle with it.

My father is actually one of them, I remember calling him on it once when a colleague of his came over so excited to see him and engage him in conversation and my father never once looked at him. Spoke to him but no eye contact at all. My Dad response was hey he was talking to him why did he need to look at the man LOL.

Makes you want to yell “Look me in the eye ALREADY!!”

But I know that is bad because I know now that maintaining eye contact can be overwhelming for some people more than others.

Plans and Goals

I went through an exercise recently where I outlined my goals and plans for 2016. THis is new for me I never do this as I don’t normally think I need the pressure to actually accomplish the goals but this year I felt I needed to see what I want to do and plan it out. I have so many things I want to do.  Arhhhhhhh. That I am actually just not doing anything LOL. I am going to write more and draw and paint more but just need to start. And that is my achilles heel getting started. So this  post is me actually just starting and not allowing myself to have the ideas but shelve it because procrastination, fear or being overwhelmed.

As I said I have lots I want to accomplish this year which means starting, carrying through and FINISHING!!! LOL wish me luck.

Everybody is getting old around here!!!

This week is birthday week for two of the kiddies my two oldest as a matter of fact.

My boy just turned 15!!!! Yes 15  when did the time go. AND here is the shocker he actually requested people over! He wanted his friends to watch a movie with him. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles of course. No he did care that it was old and what he watched last year LOL. I was blown away and hastily invited the two friends he asked for and he seemed to enjoy himself. Woot woot!

This Friday oh! that would be tomorrow the big daughter turns 13!!! Yikes my baby girl is going to be a teenager! She is also going to have friends over as well. Wow before I know it they would be going off to college and talking about marriage. Sorry couldn’t stop that wave of melodrama!

ooooOh I am happy to have taken the time to write this post. Yay!!

Hope everything is going great for you too! Have a great weekend.

(sorry if there are typos feeling lazy to edit :p)

 

 

 

 

 


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Not domestic!

My housekeeper of 11 years left me 2 months ago. ….

She left for a two very good reasons she was getting up there in age and her 90 year old blind mother was sick as well as the sister who took care of her. So she had to leave. It was the responsible thing to do. Sigh!

This left me however housekeeper less.

I have only ever been without a housekeeper when I was away in college. I thank my lucky stars that I have almost always lived in a place that it is expected that you would have help. A full time housekeeper, nanny, ironer, washer or once a month lady. All of my life there has been someone.

And I am not domestic. I do not like to clean, wash, hang out clothes, fold clothes, iron, mop cook or wash the dishes. I especially do not like to wash dishes. No matter how I try to put a positive spin on it I get no joy out of any of it. LOL

My sisters had a good giggle at my expense that first week of me trying to adapt to life without help coupled with water lock off ( we were going thru a drought) I was lamenting about how much I despised washing the dishes and my sisters were quick to remind me that I also hated washing and cleaning and the list went on.

Most girls fantasised about their wedding to Mr. Right and the dress etc not me my most vivid dream was getting a fabulously well paying career that would allow me to have a maid for each task. Cause I knew it just wasn’t for me.

But as I said it has been at least two month since she has left and I have not died and most importantly the children are all fed every day and the house has not fallen into disrepair. ANd my hair is still intact in my head. LOL

Because I have a need to always find that silver lining I have to say that by having to do it all I am more in tune with what is needed to have the house run smoothly. And I am getting into a rhythm when it comes to most things except maybe washing the dishes as I sit here happily typing away I am actively ignoring the dirty dishes that I refuse to acknowledge sitting in the sink.

I may never be fully domestic but I am feeling a bit proud of me that I have continued to step up to the challenge and push myself more each day.

And why you may be wondering have I not hired someone new. Well honestly it is because I am scared. Bringing in someone new means adjusting to this new person and praying extra hard that they are loyal and honest and do not steal and most importantly get along with and care for my children. And I know that God always and I mean always sends the right persons to deal with my children. I prefer to wait and see who he sends.

Until then I think I will continue to marvel at my ability to make some tasty 15 minute meals, fast ironing skills ( I am not the best ironer at all) not to shabby mopping skills.

LOL

 

 

 


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Wake up

A while back, okay maybe a few years ago I felt like God was telling me to wake at 5:00am to start my day. To pray, meditate, exercise to get me into a good frame of mind for the day I guess.

But 5:00am is hard for me. I can’t function if I wake a minute before 6. Strangest thing. My body and mind is not wired that way. I need 8 hours of sleep.

But you know God he is patient and takes his time and then he has a whale swallow you up so that you can really consider his position. LOL

First he gave me twin girls who didn’t like the idea of sleep so I find that I adjusted to needing less sleep but still waking at 5am was hard. And then the big daughter started high school and the bell rings at 7:20 so I started setting an alarm at 5:30 and letting it snooze at least twice.

And lately God has decided enough is enough and he has been waking me up at 4:00am.

Yes I said 4. Brain alert and thinking, eyes wanting to pop open. BUT. I stay in my bed.

And at 5 I am up and out.

Today Saturday is no different.

Honestly though I am enjoying the quiet, the meditation and the sunrises. And most of all the calm that I think it is instilling in me. Thank you God.

So GOOD MORNING to you

“This is why it is said: “Wake up, sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.””Ephesian 5:14


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On death

my father in law died.

4 weeks ago I went to his room to give him coffee

and he was dead.

I had never seen some one in that state.

Going cold yet still a tinge of warmth remaining.

Oh …. death is so final.

It was so unexpected to me, I was unprepared

i felt as if I was hit by a canon ball to the chest.

I was, I am so shocked by the tumble of emotions that invaded by brain mostly those of regret and remorse.

I don’t remember what I said to him the night before he passed I just remember being so annoyed with him because of his fan.

And it makes me so sad.

I really thought that there was more time.

But time was up

and now even though I don’t show it it feels as if my heart is crying.

A cloud of grey seems to have encased my entire being. I am filled with gloom.

I think the most surprising thing of all to me is how much his not being here has impacted me.

I honestly didn’t expect it to hurt so much.

and I never realized how much of my brain space and daily routine he took up.

I keep making meals for him or shopping for him in mind.

I almost feel like if I am losing my mind.

 

All those things that people say to people in an attempt to console the living such as- They are in a better place; It was his time; He had a full life so it is good. While can be comforting a little Really really doesn’t make it any better or easier for you the living. It does help the person saying it though ( I have learned)

Every single person grieves differently, reacts to death differently and manages it differently.

Yes it sounds like I said the same thing 3 different ways but it is different.

I have woken up every day since and thought ‘Yup, he is still dead.’ and I feel tears.

Instead of the grief and pain numbing or going away it feels for me that it is growing like a snowball would if it is rolling down a hill. Slow, slow and then very fast getting bigger and bigger.

 

I got solace from this:

grief

Death is just so final.

 

 

 

 

 


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Where I come from

I made the strangest observation about my self recently.

Well okay not so strange but it was interesting to me when I pondered on it.

I was thinking about what my life would be like if I was in the Elizabethan era. I was envisioning a life of a scullery maid or such because I am black, but then it hit me I would not have existed in the Elizabethan era whether as a scullery maid or royalty simply because I am so ridiculously mixed. In Trinidad talk you would call me a callallo. ( Callallo is a thick green soup made out of dasheen leaves, okra, sometimes pumpkin, peppers, pigtail and coconut milk. It is thoroughly blended and looks abit mish and mash)

Swizzled2callalloo

My ancestry looks like this:

Father side:

Indian: My Great  grandfather came over with his father from Madras, India (apparently they are very dark in that region) to Trinidad on a boat with indentured servants but they are adamant that they were not servants but Catholic missionaries. Ok! I believe he got married to an East Indian already in Trinidad

Arawak/Carib/ Spanish: My Greatgrandmother was Carib /Arawak mix (Amerindian) and my grandfather was Spanish brown I believe.

Mother side:

Scottish/ Venezuela: My Great Grandfather was from Scotland he lived in Venezuela and he got married to a dark Senorita (she must have had African in her lineage maybe)

Chinese/ African : My Great Grandmother was Chinese and My Great Grandfather was of African descent, not sure if they were married.

I am very much of the world LOL

So yeah there would be no me in the Elizabethan period.

Just me thinking aloud.