Wazhat! Wahzat!


Grieving here

I have been feeling that I should have a sign or a shirt that reads


I know in certain religions you wear white for a year or  you cut off your hair to signify that you are in a period of mourning. I think I would have done well to be a part of such tradition.

It is strange that it circulates in my head sometimes roaring and hurting, most times quietly whispering it.

Punctutating everything that I do.

I keep feeling that I need more time. It interrupted my sleep for awhile.

It doesn’t help that I have been feeling that I have been mourning my father for a few years now.

I miss him.

I miss knowing that he is there.

Didn’t matter if he could hear me or speak back to me cause he was there

and I could go see him and touch him.

Can’t touch him anymore.

It is so hard to shake the image of him in that box.

Even though he looked at peace.

Even though I got to give a last tousle of his hair.

Death is so final. He is now ashes sitting in an urn waiting for someone to do something with it.

My Daddy is ashes.

I miss him.

and I say






Money is tight.. okay it is like almost nonexistent.

I have put it out there that I am seeking work. But nothing.

Honestly I have been feeling for quite awhile that the Universe is conspiring against me. All my graphic capable computers have died on me. (this one I am writing on is so slow it freezes with each Facebook click I do. Last year was all about Chik V pains and malais, then lets not forget the dog bite that had me incapacitated  for a few months.

Feeling desperate.

I know it will all fall in line in time but geez the wait is hard and I feel like I am failing because I can’t get this right. Well I am failing.

Yup feeling desperate.





I am learning more and more over time that I have a few flaws… okay quite a few flaws. And one of the chief flaws which lines up right there along with stubbornness and argumentativeness is I think pride.

Pride in this way-I find it so hard to ask for things. Specifically I find it hard to ask people to do things for me or to give me something or lend me something.

I get sick to my stomach when I think of it.

I have had to step out of myself  more and more recently because I have needed to rely more on others than I normally would. Suffice it to say my head hurts alot these days.

But it is getting better.


1 Comment

current mood

You ever just feel that everybody is just grasping at straws

walking through the  land with blindfolds on

and that no one really knows is back from front

or left from right

This is how i am feeling right now.

not knowing what is what and knowing that nobody else knows either.

What about you?



1 Comment

Me no want adult no more

I really despise adulting.

For the record I really do not want to put my mother in a home!

I just want to put that out there.

But everyone, seeing that I am the eldest daughter, keeps looking at me to make a decision about her.

She went walk about today and I guess because she was being erractic and probably couldn’t verbalise where she lives somebody took her to the hospital who called my sister. She is understandably upset.


I wished I lived closer.

I wish I was rich

Maybe even wishing I had a steady well paying job.

I wish I could win the LOtto.


I despise this adulting thing.