my father in law died.
4 weeks ago I went to his room to give him coffee
and he was dead.
I had never seen some one in that state.
Going cold yet still a tinge of warmth remaining.
Oh …. death is so final.
It was so unexpected to me, I was unprepared
i felt as if I was hit by a canon ball to the chest.
I was, I am so shocked by the tumble of emotions that invaded by brain mostly those of regret and remorse.
I don’t remember what I said to him the night before he passed I just remember being so annoyed with him because of his fan.
And it makes me so sad.
I really thought that there was more time.
But time was up
and now even though I don’t show it it feels as if my heart is crying.
A cloud of grey seems to have encased my entire being. I am filled with gloom.
I think the most surprising thing of all to me is how much his not being here has impacted me.
I honestly didn’t expect it to hurt so much.
and I never realized how much of my brain space and daily routine he took up.
I keep making meals for him or shopping for him in mind.
I almost feel like if I am losing my mind.
All those things that people say to people in an attempt to console the living such as- They are in a better place; It was his time; He had a full life so it is good. While can be comforting a little Really really doesn’t make it any better or easier for you the living. It does help the person saying it though ( I have learned)
Every single person grieves differently, reacts to death differently and manages it differently.
Yes it sounds like I said the same thing 3 different ways but it is different.
I have woken up every day since and thought ‘Yup, he is still dead.’ and I feel tears.
Instead of the grief and pain numbing or going away it feels for me that it is growing like a snowball would if it is rolling down a hill. Slow, slow and then very fast getting bigger and bigger.
I got solace from this:
Death is just so final.